If television has taught me anything, it's that relationships are difficult. That, and that Britney Spears is a whore. But, unfortunately, in the same way that television will never purport to understand the underlying reasons behind why Britney Spears is such a whore, television also doesn't tell you how to easily mend those relationships when things get tough. But don't worry, because we're here to help. Dr. Phil would have you believe that mending relationships requires things such as: time, patience, and understanding. But that's only because Dr. Phil doesn't realize that you are literally three-and-a-half seconds away from Total Relationship Recovery.

The secret is this: women need to know that even though the two of you might be in the middle of a rough patch, you still personally care about her and her individual needs. And that's why you should take this generic e-mail that addresses a variety of universal relationship difficulties and replace "[Name Here]" with your girlfriend's name and send it off:

Dear [Name Here],

I understand you're upset right now, but I wanted to try to clarify a few things so that you have a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

First of all, when I said, "eat shit and die, you skanky whore", what I really meant to say is that I will always love and cherish you. We say things in the heat of the moment sometimes, and on occasion things slip out that we don't really mean. Or mean the exact opposite of what we mean. I don't really want you to eat shit, or even die for that matter, and I don't think you're a whore either. You have to admit that you are pretty skanky though. That's just a fact; I think we can both agree on that.

And by the way, did you know that many languages have the same word for 'skanky whore' as they do for 'sweetheart'? English is actually something of an anomaly in that way. Unfortunately, I don't have any evidence to back that up, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Secondly, when I asked you why you're such a fucker, what I really meant to ask was, "would you like a back rub?" I understand you've been really stressed out lately, so I imagine you could use one. Anyone can maintain a relationship during the good times, but it's the way that a couple handles the bad times that really defines their relationship. I don't know who said that -- I probably just made it up -- but it's true. Anyway, my point is, I understand that you're having a rough time, and I'm here to help. But be honest with me: is it because you've been so stressed out lately that you've been such a fucker?

When I threw that lamp at you, that's only because I thought it was about time we rearrange the furniture. In hindsight, I probably should've unplugged it before I threw it. You live, you learn, I suppose. Oh, and when I compared you to a small retarded child that's only because - and let's be honest here - you've never been the sharpest tool in the shed.

Oh, shit, I've gotta get going. I can't be bothered to finish this letter anyway, but just assume I apologized for all the rest of the shit I did.

Love ya, [Your Name Here]