This month Phallic Guy looks at the military. The Canadian military has a long and proud tradition dating back to the 19th century, and our early conflicts with The United States, native peoples, and British and French military forces. Canadians have played key roles in every major conflict the earth has seen since 1900. In fact, Canadians have earned an international reputation as fierce warriors, and skilled combatants. All of which is irrelevant to Bacon Magazine staffer Phallic Guy.

Let's examine the military. Anytime one is sent to spend hours in the 'bush' playing with their 'gun', you can expect a few phallic thoughts to creep into their heads. Last night I spent hours in the bush, and I finally emerged sweaty, tired, and out of ammo. Firing multiple rounds is tiring work! Still, I could spend days in the right bush! When military action is required, it is important to wear the right gear... protection is key for safety. This seems obvious, but many people head into the bush without protection and end up getting into trouble.

I've heard that some inexperienced soldiers often misfire at the critical moment. I can assure you that my gun is in fine working condition. I haven't had a misfire since I hooked up with that crazy French chick Claudette - and even then, it was her fault... she pulled my trigger too early. It's not just bush combat that can test a mans resolve. All of the seamen in the navy risk their lives heading into wet conditions. Many many seamen are lost in some military maneuvers. But again, with the right protection, we can save the seamen.

Anyway, there's a soldier standing at attention here, and I suspect that severe discipline is needed. When my maneuvers are done, this soldier has earned some quality 'down-time'. Don't dismiss the military as an opportunity for lunatics and misfits only. It is exciting and challenging, with much more to it than just shooting blanks. Fire it up!