As far back as 5000 years ago, Egyptians, Indians and Babylonians were painting cave walls with scenes of hand-to-hand combat. Martial Arts have evolved with mankind, probably since our first steps on two-feet. We've always needed a way to defend ourselves against animals, and more importantly against our fellow man. Martial Arts as we know them first evolved in China. The Chinese combined hand-to-hand combat techniques with intangible elements such as spirituality, discipline and mental conditioning to forge something entirely new. Since that time, martial arts have evolved into a wide spectrum of styles. From Akido to Karate, from jiu-jitsu to Tai Chi, martial arts take many forms. All of which is irrelevant to Bacon Magazine staffer Phallic Guy.

It's pretty obvious isn't it? Martial arts are used as a phallic substitute. Everyone needs a method for dispensing with pent-up sexual energy. Take a look, and decide if you agree (after all, I do sometimes see things differently). Take two people, lock them together in a sweaty dance of heavy breathing and grunting, and tell me... what do you think they are doing? It's even more obvious when you consider the multiple positions available. My friend Yuri Nebekov told me that he knows the moves to perform "The Open Leg", "Straddle" and "Hump Stance."

I know all of these things too, but I've never tried any of them outside of a bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I like nothing better than spending the day practicing grappling. Last night I showed my girl a new maneuver - "Waking the Sleeping Giant." She was practicing it all night long!

Anyway, enough talk. In the immortal words of Mr. Miyagi, it's time for my girl and I to do some practicing - "Wax on, Wax off."