Ok guys, sick and tired of razor burn day after day? Is your face feeling so rough you can sand down wood by slapping two-by-fours on your head? (It isn't? How's the skirt fit Sally?)

Well dudes, our Bacon Scientists* have done it again, and have discovered the perfect shave. Just follow these steps and your face will be as smooth as my ruby red ass! (and twice as delightful!)

Step 1: The Pre-Shave
Get yourself an electric shaver and do a once-over on your stubbly parts. (What else do you think we mean?) Sure, you make think "I've used the electric razor, I'm already shaved!" WRONG! This is only the beginning to a beautiful face, well, unless you're ugly. Just remember, this is the pre-shave. You don't need to do a perfect job, just a little primer for what's to come.

Step 2: The Hot Cloth
Take a face towel, and soak it in some really hot water. Skin too sensitive? Too bad! Be a man! Just take this cloth an place it on your face. Wow! That's easy! Keep it on for about 3-5 mins.

Step 3: The Washy Washy
Use some face cleansing products to give your greasy pimply face a nice sparkly shine! Make sure the products are for men; you don't want to be a girly girl now do ya? Nivea has some great products for you to use.

Step 4: A Time to Shave
Now it's time for the real shave, with the razor, the real shaving cream, and the real Bavarian stripper. So you don't need the stripper, but don't you want one? This step is your regular ol'shave. Just apply the cream, shave away, and notice how easy it is to glide that razor across your face.

Follow these easy steps, and your face should feel as smooooth as a baby's ass, and maybe just look like one too! Now go on out and show off your new found sleekness, or drape your self in velvet, like we did.

*Please Note: Bacon Scientists are 3 monkey's with a bottle of scotch. Drunk monkey's are so cool!