Dumb Fun - What Is Your Donut Personality?
There are many things that make up the very fabric of a country. Many would say it's heritage, culture, patriotism and of course its citizens. However, in Canada there is yet another thread which binds the country together. From the mighty Atlantic to the mighty Pacific, Canadians join together everyday in their appreciation of our contribution to World cuisine - the donut. Known in some parts of the world as a doughnut, the donut represents Canadians like no other symbol. It's sweet, glazed exterior is much like our polite and friendly nature. It's doughy dough much like our soft middles, or in the case of day-olds, much like our hardy toughness. I don't know what the hole represents but I'm sure its something good.
To find out more about what our love for the sugary inner tube means, this Bacon reporter contacted the world's leading expert in donut related studies - Dr. Mit Notroh. The doctor is the founder of Europe's Centre For Donut and Baked Good Studies and has given some fascinating insight into the deeper meaning of our passionate affair with our glazed lover. Beyond the obvious phallic attraction, apparently the type of donut we choose gives an insight into just what kind of person we are. Millions of dollars were poured into Dr. Notroh's study, which for the first time, is presented to the public. In this Bacon exclusive, here are the findings of "The Donut Personality Study". The type of donut is followed by the doctor's comments.
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RAISED CHOCOLATE
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"Ah, the most traditional of all the donuts. One who chooses this classic sweet is a reliable, dependable person who is always there for you. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, sometimes even in drive-thru. This type of person will not take any risk in life."
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MAPLE
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The Maple lover is one with nature. Even in his choice of sweets he leans toward the mighty forest. This person has a deep connection with the Earth and is not afraid to show it. Usually the burly outdoors type, you can catch them sucking the sap right out of a tree.
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BOSTON CREME
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"Much like his donut choice, this person has a soft, creamy centre. A real softy who wears his heart on his sleeve. Great person to have around if you need to borrow some cash, but not who you want in a crisis. Will sob inconsolably if his donut is sold out."
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SOUR CREME GLAZED
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"This strange type has some very deep seeded issues. They hold deep resentment and anger towards those around them. Especially towards those who mock them for eating a donut with a covering meant for baked potatoes. What bizarre fools."
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THE JELLY DONUT
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"Oh my, what a fiery, violent bunch the jelly lovers are. It is not strange to see one ripping at his jelly donut just to see it's gooey centre rush out like an open wound. At least we can be thankful that they have an outlet for their fits of savage rage!"
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HAWAIIAN
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"By far the most flamboyant of the donut eaters. Their tiny minds are dazzled by the array of colourful sprinkles. Do not be alarmed if a Hawaiian donut lover suddenly bursts into show tunes. They have the tendency to wear loud shirts and smile at you like loons."
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COCONUT
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"Coconut by name, coconut by attitude. The followers of this strange donut are very loyal and will viciously attack those who oppose it. They have a yearning for tropical places and can be very serene creatures. However, many suffer from deep, split-personalities and can burst into a wild rage. Also enjoy hula dancing."
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WALNUT CRUNCH
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"The intellectual of the donut eater. It takes a patient, thinking man to sit through the length of these sugary behemoths. Many of the world's greatest thinkers have solved deep problems over a Walnut Crunch. However, as all geniuses know, they are just one Walnut Crunch away from utter madness. A dangerous donut indeed."
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DOUBLE CHOCOLATE
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"One word sums up this type of person - greedy. Is one layer of chocolate not enough? These daredevils are all too happy to push the limits of a sugar rush. They love decadence in their lives but are never truly satisfied. Literally and figuratively, they are always seeking one more layer of chocolate."
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PLAIN
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"Not the type of person to invite to a party. Who buys these things anyway? Even an expert in this field cannot decipher the appeal of the Plain donut. These people are enigmas, capable of showing no emotion and caring little for those around them. Rumoured to be a favourite at Progressive Conservative political conventions."
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